A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular Contractions" to his first year
medical students.
Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor decided to lighten the
mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, "Do you know what your ass
hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?"
She replied, "He's probably deer hunting with his buddies."
***************
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she
had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my
business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the
house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what?"
What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luc! k, get the fuck away from me."
**************
Four little animals
You've got to love this little girl. What a fine woman/wife she'll make!
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?"
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little
animals."
The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?"
The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and of
course, I'll need a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher fainted.
*****************
Divorce at 65 mph!
A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The
wife is behind the wheel. Her husband, a divorce lawyer, suddenly looks across at her and
speaks in a clear voice, "Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years,
but I want a divorce."
The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to
45 mph.
"I don't want you to try and talk me out of it", he says, "because I've been having an affair
with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."
Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases
the speed to 55.
The husband confidently says, "I want the house."
The wife knows he has the skill to get the upper hand in a divorce proceeding. Up to 60-
65 mph.
"I want the car, too," he continues. "And," he says, "I want the bank accounts, all the
credit cards and the boat."
The c! ar veers towards a massive concrete bridge.
This makes the husband nervous, so he asks her: "Is there anything you want?"
The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need."
she says.
"Oh, really?" he says with derision. "So what have you got?"
Just before they slam into the wall at 65 mph, the wife turns to him and smiles.
"The airbag!"
*****************
Captain Judith
The airliner pushed back from the gate, the flight attendant gave the passengers the usual
information regarding seat belts, etc. Finally, she said, "Now sit back and enjoy your trip
while your captain, Judith Campbell, and crew take you safely to your destination."
Jake, sitting in the eighth row thought to himself, "Did I hear her right? Is the captain a
woman?" When the attendants came by with the drink cart, he said, "Did I understand
you right? Is the captain a woman?"
"Yes," said the at! tendant, "In fact, this entire crew is female."
"My God," said Jake, "I'd better have two scotch and sodas. I don't know what to think
of all those women up there in the cockpit."
"That's another thing sir," said the attendant, "We no longer call it the cock pit. Now it's
the Box office"
***************
TWELVE PRIESTS
Twelve priests were about to be ordained.
The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his weenie and they were told that anyone whose
bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not
reached a state of spiritual pu! rity. The beautiful model danced before the first candidate,
with n o reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests
until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering a
cross the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly
scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......
Then all the other bells started to ring
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