Exceptional friends.

I look forward to the day that I stand before my Maker and be changed. No more sorrow, anger, pain or (and especially) fear. Fear has been a large part of my life as I have had a problem with it from an early age. It still pervades all the aspects of my life, actually. But I have learned to live with it.

Sometime back, it was suggested by my foster father (Tep) that I get online. He introduced me to DF1 just about the time it was in its prime and I soon got involved with the gaming community and forums. It was thought it might help me with my social skills. I really got involved. The safety and anonymity the net offered was just right for a paranoid recluse. No one needed to know that I couldn’t hear or speak plainly. I was safe, or so I thought.

I found a new freedom I had not had in a while: Speaking my mind. It made me a target and I made a million mistakes. I didn’t mind the sexual bias and verbal abuse as much as my graphics forum that got hacked out of existence, The hacking of other people’s forums I was a part of wasn’t pleasant, either. The stealing of my online name “NighEve” and using it to hack servers and make me out a fouled-mouth bigot, was especially upsetting. What’s more, I made my own heartaches with the fact that more than occasionally I trusted the wrong person.

These cruel people had no idea what it was doing to a girl struggling to come out of a spiral of fear. On the other side of their computers screens was I, often crying and shaking. Many times those around me in real life threatened to pull the plug. The attacks threatened to drive me deeper into my paranoia.

However, taking shape was one element in all this that kept that from happening. A few people became friends and accepted me. Some even after I told them about myself and some horrible things in my life. Now, in my mind one good friend is worth twelve thousand hackers. One acceptance is worth a hundred that don’t. The value to my recovery, I now see, was priceless.

Instead of hiding I began to see what we all see, but some of us don’t understand: There are good people out there. I began to trust, taking the good with the bad. That may seem simple or trivial to you, but without going into detail I had little evidence of that trust up until a year before the time of my involvement in the gaming community; when I went to live with the man known here as Tep.

Did the gaming community save me? No. But it helped teach me how to deal with controversy and to develop friendships and relationships. A skill I sorely lack. I am still very poor at it in real life but I am learning.

The bulk of my progress came from people around me in real life, but you who accepted and made me your friend and gave me a small measure of value, deserve much credit. Whatever level of friendship you contributed was a part of the whole, and I thank you.

In the years since DF1 I’ve gotten married and we have adopted a child. I have started actually attending church and will even be found at small meetings. I go to the post office by myself and can sit in a restaurant. Compared to ten years ago, that is a major change.

I have made enough progress to make another major change, I hope. In mid December I will travel to Eastern Europe with my husband and help him with his work. He has made several of these trips and I had to stay behind. The combination of my health and my “fear” made it impossible to go with him before. The fear of being left behind is now greater that the fear of going. However, to do this I must leave much of my “online” life behind. So this is good bye for a while to my friends, friends that mean more to me than you will ever know.

Naming you all would be futile, I would leave someone out, I know. One name stands out, however. A man I knew long before MEOW in the Icefloes of DF1. The man you know as Jugulator. Early on he recognized in me the crisis that was there and became a friend. He read my endless lines of type; knew when to let me make mistakes and when to warn me. He knew when to fuss at me and when to just “be there”. He was there when I cried as well as when I celebrated my accomplishments. He is wise, fair and a real gentleman. He is a true exceptional friend. He introduced me to you guys. You are damn lucky to have him in your ranks.

Maybe I tried too hard at times to fit in, forgive me if I seemed weird , down-right stupid or boring at times. My Karma score reflects this, I am one of the very few that has such a ratio. I do understand. I have never been under any illusions that I am perfect or somehow deserving of your acceptance, quite the opposite. Anything I have done for this squad is a pitiful attempt to pay back the debt I owe you.

Some may scoff at this post, most will not understand it. That’s fine. I felt I needed to let some of you know what this all meant to me here. I hope to return a little stronger and a little wiser. Your acceptance of people and protecting of your brothers and sisters is a rare gift on the web and a medicine to those that may lack it in life. To learn trust, you must experience it and I did here at MEOW. You may not understand that a mere gaming community website could mean to a person like me, that’s okay. I suggest, however, you honor it and believe yourself blessed to know it.

I don’t know what my online status will be when I get there. It is out in the boonies and largely secluded. Service in that part of the world is poor as we will be miles away from any DSL services. But I will try to keep up with you on trips into the city. (Raid, don’t ban the IP from the Ukraine, unless it’s on the anti-spam site LOL)

I am blessed to have called you friends. Many of you are exceptional friends. MEOW has been a part of my day, every day, for some time now. I felt your pain and losses, laughed at your jokes and felt pride at your successes. That’s what friends do, right?

Whatever the future holds you will always be in my heart and I will always be grateful. Thanks again and may God bless you and give you peace.

S! NighEve*{MEOW}*

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