The Bible (humor)

**A father was approached by his small son who told him
proudly, "I know what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you
'know' what the Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly,"
It stands for 'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.'
(This one is my favorite)

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There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old
family Bible to her brother in another part of the
country. "Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the
postal clerk. "Only the Ten Commandments." answered the
lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in
the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and
say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up
in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a large
city because he was short of time and couldn't find a space
with a meter. Then he put a note under the windshield wiper
that read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses." When he returned, he found a citation from a
police officer along with this note "I've circled this block
for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my job.
Lead us not into temptation."

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There is the story of a pastor who got up one Sunday and
announced to his congregation: "I have good news and bad
news. The good news is, we have enough money to pay for our
new building program. The bad news is, it's still out there
in your pockets."

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While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an
Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a
sense of humor, because attached to the back of the
carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy efficient
vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust."

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A Sunday School teacher began her lesson with a question,
"Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the
kindergarten boy. "Really? How do you know?" the teacher
asked. "You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... "

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A minister waited in line to have his car filled with gas
just before a long holiday weekend. The attendant worked
quickly, but there were many cars ahead of him. Finally, the
attendant motioned him toward a vacant pump. "Reverend,"
said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems
as if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for
a long trip." The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean.
It's the same in my business."

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People want the front of the bus, the back of the church,
and the center of attention.

========

Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter
what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your
quilt." Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in
the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked
him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was
going to ask the congregation to come up with more money
than they were expecting for repairs to the church
building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the
regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought
in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what
to play. "Here's a copy of the service," he said
impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to
play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers
and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs
cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more.
Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star
Spangled Banner." And that is how the substitute became the
regular organist!

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